Jonny B article 30th June 2006 (all spelling mistakes are JB's)
Amazing True Dit.
Its that time of year again were I put pen to paper or rather smash my sausage like fingers into the computer keys. Having met up with my partners in crime in GERMANY Cal, Tommy and Kevin the CHIMPANZE (Cals mate- a one off). We all met up in Frankfurt -Stevie Marr was meant to meet us but apparently he thought we said FRANFURTER and was last seen at DUTCHYS sinking 2 Captain Kirks asking the nods if they’d seen a white version of STEVIE WONDER (Tommy) I’d av had him down as a white version of Dwain Dibbley of RED DWARF fame but still. So myself Tommy, Cal and Kevin the Gibbon all take a gentle stroll down Frankfurt, get hammered sing loads of songs fall asleep in camper van wake up and watch match, I thin out back to Bavaria-Crap Dit I know but wait with a little gentle persuasion and a small white wine like Magsys Misses I will reveal all. Tommy, Cal and Cheeky Monkey spend another couple of days in Germany doing the usual - No Tommy doesn’t join a circus -Kev nearly did but the German monkeys just didn’t take to him-they couldn’t understand a word he said. They decide to say au revoir (I deliberately put that there so all you plastic officers could see my glaring error- for all us non officers who are too thick to realise it should read Auf Wiedasien- LOCKY don’t worry to much about it) to Germany and travel back to the UK.
The journey back was in excess of 1000 miles and the TEMP was well into the 30’s this made the journey very uncomfortable back through Holland ect ect. Cooped up in the camper van after 5 hours driving they decide to have a leg stretch - in Tommys case it would be no good anyway. So they stop in said foreign motorway café (NO- they don’t see Fozzy in coach drivers rig getting free scran- he is still at Exeter services).
SCENE 1- QUE sinister music- and enter, all manner of comedy genius’s from Bobby Davro to the Chuckle Brothers they have all rocked up on the outskirts of Germany to film what is about to be the FUNNIEST (move over Paul Curry and take your comedy hairstyle with you- step down Steve Marr you have just been relegated-Magsy “This is just for Starters “ is now Championship and Mitch’s comedy stand on ball routine is 1st Division) there is a NEW Clown in town and he goes by the name of Mc Phee. Bursting for a Richard the III rd Tommy runs off to toilet. Tommy runs into the Men’s and sees there are no traps left. “What shall I do? He asks the Ricky Miller look a like Attendant- Ricky with BJ Farrimond blank expression on face shrugs and carry’s on moping the heads. Tommy is beside himself he cant wait, Que light bulb in head “I will use the Disabled Toilet” the German for Disabled is RICHEN ASSEN-that could mean anything but anyway I digress. Tommy rushes in slams the door, parks his ass and relieves himself of 1 week of German Beer. So far, so good. This is the part that the Chuckle Brothers wrote so bear with me while I laugh myself to death at the sheer comedy genius of scene two.
SCENE 2 - Tommy has finished his Dougy Hurd and washes his hands (talking of hands as anyone seen Magsy), he then dries them on Mitch's girlfriend the old Blower Dryer, its harry redders outside so he really doesn’t have to place his hands under the dryer for too long as both him and his hands were hot anyway. He then goes to leave the RICHEN ASSEN- but wait the door is stuck. Perhaps if you pull really hard the door will come undone- oh shit the handle has come off in my hands, wait a minute “I’m inside this disabled toilet with the handle in my hand” I’ll wait until the HOT BLOWER stops then I will shout for the RESCUE Squad…………1 minute (still red hot blower blowing)……………2 minutes (still redders blower churning out hot air - like Stevie Marr does)……………………..3 minutes (the blower reassembles that of a Harrier Jump Jet in both noise and heat production) Tommy's cool persona is starting to shows signs of weakness (rather like Colly in a Help the Aged shop fighting against his will not to buy those elasticated trousers). He decides to shout for help above the noise of the Harrier taking off -No one can hear him!!!
SCENE 3 - In the tiolet no one can here you scream. Open the door I am stuck in here you German ****sterds. The attendant hasn’t got a clue what the little dwarf English guy is on about and continues to mop. Open the ******** door you bunch of ******* ******kers. By this stage the temperature is touching 40C and climbing. Out of desperation Tommy bangs on the door Help me you ******* ignorant German ****wits why you not speak English you bunch of ********** ****heads. Tommy has cracked and has got a bout of the “STEVIE MARRS” this is were the patient in this case Stan Laural- sorry Tommy has been subjected to a tiny bit of pressure and felt slightly uncomfortable for the last 7 minutes, this is way beyond his threshold and does what is known in the medical profession as a STEVIE MARR- GOES PROPER MENTAL. We will now go back to the scene of the imprisonment-whats happening down there john” He is trying to kick the door down- honestly- he is now trying to kick the door down all 6 stone of him”. Let me explain one thing this toilet is not like an English disabled toilet this is only 1 metre wide and built like a German S**T HOUSE.
SCENE 4 - Friends like these. What was Cal doing to help the situation? Cal was midway through his second ice cream wondering were Tommy had got to. Cheater was up a tree eating a BANANA - they think he’s ran off to the circus and anyway the ice creams and bananas were having the desired effects on their bowls so off they pop to the heads- Only to be met by what can only be described as the GOMBAY DANCE BAND (Germanys entire toilet attendant population) gathered round the RICHEN shouting in some form of African German Gibberish at the little DWARF English guy trapped in the toilet. “Cal is that you, Oh thank god you are here - The Blower is trapped on and I am stuck in the toilet and the door is bust -help me its ****** redders in here and the****** German ******* are not doing ****all to help me, be
quick Tommy shouted above the noise of the Boeing 747 taking off in his toilet. With that both Cal and Bubbles the monkey collapse onto the floor in hysterics right at the feet of the by now bewildered Gombay Dance Band who look at the two crazy English guys rolling around on the floor proper crying with laughter holding there sides rather like seeing rich on the dance floor in Newcastle. After 5 full minutes of laughter the two pick themselves up and decide to rescue Tommy, Cal wax on wax off Calahan decides to kick the door in. Now I’ve kicked a few back doors in in my time just ask Tommys misses but never with FLIP FLOPS on needless to say Tommy was still trapped in the Toilet.
SCENE 5 - THE GREAT ESCAPE - NO Locky doesn’t fly into Germany and ram his giant HEED at the door. After much deliberation and even more attendants rockin up to witness some full scale English buffoonery not seen on this scale since fozzys RIVERDANCE in Newcastle and George “Were’s me wash board” Kent trapping technique in USA. By this time Cal and KONG have opened the doors of their toilet so as not to miss the outcome. Meanwhile the Blower is still blowing and reports from NASA have a heat source of Chernobyl proportions on the outskirts of Germany. I cannot continue spinning this Dit as already the Israeli Government want to use it to distract Would be suicide bombers- the theory is they read it, picture Tommy stuck in toilet with blower on, have an uncontrollable fit of laughter hold their sides thus blowing themselves up.
Tommy was finally released back into the wild at 1356 Central European Time. He entered the toilet at 1332. David Blaine has declined to take up the Toilet challenge. Tommy was last seen sat in the back of the VW camper van in a GIANT HUFF worse than his Newcastle tant trum. I would like to thank Cal and Cuddles for that Dit and for a great time in Germany.XXXXXX
Coming soon - Paul Curry and his Tall Ships escapade
Tommy Mcphee article 23rd April 2005
RMFA in the bar.
Robbie Burglar'arse', Tel Price & Jonny Byrne are in a bar. They are having a good time spinning mega dits and all agree that the bar is spot on.
Then Robbie starts gobbin off, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where i come from back in Glasgee, theres a better bar called Macdougals, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink and Macdougal himself buys you your third one.. The lads agree that sounds like a hoofing place.
Tel spouts off, "yeah, dats a nice bar, but where i come from, ders a better bar, In Hererrforrd
ders this bar called Sassies. At Sassies you buy a drink, Sassy buys you a drink, you buy anudda drink and Sassy will buy you anudda drink. "Everybody agree's that sounds like a wazzer bar.
Then Jonny B says, "You think thats greayyyt? Naaaa then, weeeere i come from in Sheffield, ders a reet place called Murphy's. At Murphy's they buy your first wet, they buy your second wet, in fact they buy your wets all night, then they take ya round the back and you get laid.
"Hoofin" say Robbie & Tel, "Thats Mega! did that actually happen to you"?
"No" said Jonny, "But it happened to arr lass".
